


Electricity Restarts Me

by deepestbluest



Category: Naruto
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Bottom Hatake Kakashi, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Everything is the same except there's some sci-fi because I'm a dweeb, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Why worldbuild with plot when you can do it with sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:48:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22686514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deepestbluest/pseuds/deepestbluest
Summary: Kakashi lives his life as a weapon, and the Sharingan is part of that. It’s a whetstone, making him sharper than he would be on his own.And, Iruka thinks in morbid amusement, if a situation gets dire enough, Kakashi could use it as a projectile.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 22
Kudos: 181





	Electricity Restarts Me

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from "The Weight" by Editors
> 
> Content warnings !
> 
> Context !
> 
> The spoiler tags don’t work on mobile, so the warnings are also in the end notes

Kakashi is a weapon. His life’s work is the protection of their village.

He comes home to Iruka, bloodied and beaten up and in need of rewiring in ways Tsunade and her soldering iron can’t address, and Iruka does what he can to put him back in order.

It’s impossible work. Kakashi is sent out to do things he won’t talk about but can’t stop reliving, and the only tools Iruka has are his hands and Kakashi’s affection.

Whatever the latest mission was, it wasn’t too bad, and Iruka is still humming with relief that Kakashi met him with one of his easy smiles.

They’re in Kakashi’s bathtub now. It’s a real claw foot tub that’s long enough for them to stretch their legs out completely. He’d grinned as he turned the tap on and the water began to bubble, and Iruka had kissed him until the water cooled enough that they could get in.

Kakashi is sitting between Iruka’s legs, his head resting on Iruka’s shoulder. 

In here, when they’re home alone, he doesn’t wear his headband or his mask. If Iruka wants to, he’s free to touch Kakashi’s lips and look into the red glow of Kakashi’s Sharingan. He likes doing the first one more; Kakashi still closes his eyes and smiles every time. His rolls his eye, the one he was born with because his Sharingan can’t move like that, when Iruka touches his beauty mark but catches Iruka’s wrist and kisses his knuckles.

The Sharingan is hard to love but not impossible.

He still traces the scar that cuts through Kakashi’s eye sometimes. Painful or not, it’s part of Kakashi, and it’s worth looking after. Iruka doesn’t flinch when Kakashi wants to look him over with it. It doesn’t hurt Kakashi when they’re in the kitchen making dinner or napping on the futon, so Kakashi only keeps his eye closed out of habit.

Iruka has a parallel habit- he makes use of the Sharingan’s ability to remember everything it sees to tempt Kakashi into looking at him with both eyes.

His quarrel isn’t with the Sharingan itself; it’s with the world that gave it to Kakashi.

He wants Kakashi to be happy, and when he catches Kakashi staring into a mirror, reliving the loss of the friend who left the Sharingan to him, he doesn’t see happiness. There’s only blood, as red as the Sharingan itself.

The eye is a tool, but it isn’t one Kakashi was made to use; it hurts him that way, too.

Kakashi lives his life as a weapon, and the Sharingan is part of that. It’s a whetstone, making him sharper than he would be on his own.

And, Iruka thinks in morbid amusement, if a situation gets dire enough, Kakashi could use it as a projectile.

Turning his head, Iruka puts thoughts of Kakashi’s collection of misery aside and kisses Kakashi’s cheek. “I’m glad you’re home.”

Kakashi hums. “It’s good to be home. I’ll be staying for a while again. Tsunade is keeping me out of rotation until she gives the okay; she says I’m overdoing it again.”

“I did hear her complain to Shizune about frustrating men who don’t know not to kill themselves after you got back last time.” Unable to resist, Iruka kisses Kakashi’s cheek again. “She’s worried about the effects the Sharingan is having on you, isn’t she?”

One of Kakashi’s virtues is he doesn’t hide things from Iruka. When he’s hurt, he doesn’t pretend he isn’t. When he’s tired, he says so. When he’s hungry, he eats.

It almost makes up for how stubborn he is about when he’ll let himself acknowledge that he’s feeling those things.

“Rin did the best she could with what she had, but I’m still not an Uchiha,” Kakashi admits. “I don’t have the implants that let Obito use the Sharingan without damaging himself. Even if I did, they probably wouldn’t work. There’s a reason other clans didn’t just take their mechanical eyes from the Uchiha.”

Konoha does have the implants. They’re in a locked room no one is supposed to know about- Iruka only knows because one of his former students came to him with concerns about the hidden door no one seemed to use. They’re of no use to anyone as they are; they were refined over decades to be compatible with Uchiha blood alone, and that technique disappeared with Itachi. Even if Sasuke had stayed in the village, he’d been too young to be taught before his brother killed their clan.

If someone could reverse engineer the implants, maybe they’d be able to mitigate the effects on Kakashi. Even if they only alleviated some of the pain, Iruka would be happy.

It’s been a decade, though, and the closest they’ve come is the work Kakashi’s friend did when she first installed the Sharingan with their dying friend's guidance. She’s gone now, too, and there’s nothing they can do to improve what she did.

Before they got together, keeping his concern within the bounds of appropriate coworker behavior as Kakashi struggled with the side effects of his implants had been its own kind of agony.

It still hurts to watch Kakashi bear the pain on his own, but at least Iruka can hold his hand now.

“Has it started to hurt?” Iruka asks.

“Not yet.” Kakashi squints up at the ceiling. “I probably have another month or two before it starts, and it won’t interfere for another few months after that. If I don’t use it much, I might have closer to a year.”

“So a month or two after Tsunade lets you go out on missions again.”

Kakashi chuckles. “Probably. Recovery has gotten easier, though.”

“She isn’t the world’s most accomplished medical-nin for nothing, right? I’m glad she’s here.”

“I suppose she’s helped, too. The process and implants themselves did improve when she came back. I was thinking about someone else.” Kakashi curls a hand around Iruka’s outer thigh. “I don’t mind being cooped up as much when I have you for company while I recover, even if you do grade papers instead of paying attention to me.”

Warmed, Iruka noses at Kakashi’s jaw. “I know you’d rather be out on the frontlines protecting Konoha, but I do like having you here with me. You’re good company when you aren’t playing footsie with me under the kotatsu.”

“You say that now, but last time, you threatened to kick me out,” Kakashi points out.

“You were going through my drawers, taking my folded clothes out, and refolding them. It was weird, and you know it was.”

“Not as weird as the way you fold things. I wouldn’t have had to fix them if you’d just fold things correctly on your own. Your free time comes from being lazy with your laundry.”

Despite himself, Iruka laughs. “I had already caught you refolding my towels before Tsunade confined you to the village, so I guess I should have expected that.”

Kakashi nods sagely. “Exactly.”

“Next time, I’ll let you help me grade papers,” Iruka promises. He slips his arms around Kakashi’s waist and rearranges him a little. “You can’t be bored when you’re reading an eleven year old’s explanation of chakra.”

“Ah, but I’ve already read Naruto’s first attempt at that, Iruka. There can’t be any greater logical leaps than that.”

Iruka ducks his head and kisses Kakashi’s shoulder. “How naïve you are. Naruto at least formed sentences related to the concept of chakra. One of his classmates just wrote ‘not meat’.”

Kakashi shakes with laughter, and Iruka kisses his shoulder again.

They lapse into comfortable silence. The water is still warm, Kakashi is safe, and before they got into the tub, Iruka spent the better part of an hour on Kakashi’s futon, getting kissed like Kakashi was making up for all the kisses he’d missed while he was gone.

He’d been gone for a month and a half, but he’d missed Iruka like it had been a year.

Kakashi had come to get him at the Academy, a rarity for him. Iruka isn’t sure why Kakashi is so reluctant to come see him when Iruka is there. He has a few theories, but he doesn’t feel any pressing need to know. If he needs to, Kakashi will tell him. Until then, the few occasions Kakashi does come by are rare, unexpected joys.

Humming to himself, Iruka lets one of his hands drift over Kakashi’s belly.

There’s a long scar that runs from Kakashi’s waist down his hip almost to his thigh. It must have been made by a custom weapon; the breadth and shape don’t match any other scar Iruka has seen. He doesn’t ask about it. They have the same unspoken rule about not bringing up each other’s old scars that most people in their line of work have. It protects Iruka’s secrets as much as Kakashi’s.

It protects them from each other, too. You can’t feel someone’s pain when you don’t know about it.

That doesn’t mean Iruka can’t touch. Kakashi’s body is more sensitive than Iruka had thought it would be; he leans into every touch, open to any contact he can get, unfazed by old wounds.

Iruka shifts his hand to Kakashi’s hip, and Kakashi’s breath catches.

“Already?” Iruka asks, trying to keep his voice uninterested and knowing he doesn’t manage it.

Kakashi sighs in open disgruntlement and shifts between Iruka’s legs. “Some of us don’t have the luxury of coming back to a private apartment to get off in every night.”

“Every night? I’m a busy man, Kakashi.”

“You promised me you would.”

Iruka shakes his head, but all he feels is fond. “I did, and I do keep my promises.” Stroking Kakashi’s hip, he continues, “If I remember correctly, I made a few other promises before you left.”

“You did,” Kakashi agrees quickly.

“Do you want me to make good on them now?”

Kakashi nods, spreading his legs as well as he can in the tub.

Reaching down, Iruka closes his hand around Kakashi’s cock. “You really are hard already. What were you thinking about?”

Kakashi clears his throat but doesn’t answer.

When Iruka tilts his head and peers at him, Kakashi’s face is too pink to be from just the bath.

For someone who enjoys reading erotica in public just to throw people off, Kakashi himself gets embarrassed and clams up about his own thoughts easily.

“Do you want to know what I was thinking about?” Iruka asks, giving Kakashi a light stroke. “I’ll give you a hint- you were involved.”

Clearing his throat, Kakashi asks, “Was it folding all your clothes wrong so I’d be forced to fix them?”

If he weren’t gripping Iruka’s leg hard enough to hurt, that might have been as nonchalant as Kakashi is trying to seem.

“Close, but I was actually thinking about fucking you.” Tightening his grip, Iruka starts to stroke him lazily, and Kakashi arches his back, his free hand reaching for the one Iruka has on his chest. “We haven’t had enough time for that in so long. I haven’t even blown you in forever. I miss it.”

Kakashi bites his lip, but he can’t keep his groan to himself.

“I can barely remember what you feel like,” Iruka says, letting his breath tickle Kakashi’s neck. “You look so good in my memory, though. The last time we had sex, you couldn’t wait long enough to take our clothes off. You just pushed me against the wall and asked if I minded that you hadn’t showered yet.” Kakashi had been sitting at the table when Iruka got home, wound so tight he hadn’t waited for Iruka to take his shoes off before he’d crowded Iruka against the wall. He’d already been hard and desperate for Iruka to kiss him. “You kept saying my name and telling me how much you wanted me. Every time I came home, I’d remember that, and I’d miss you even more.”

He’d also remembered what came next- stripping Kakashi down, getting him into the shower, and spending ages rubbing him down until Kakashi was clean again. He’d wound up having to sit Kakashi down because he kept nodding off.

In a better world, Iruka could have picked Kakashi up and carried him to bed.

In this world, Kakashi pushes his hips into Iruka’s hand and kisses Iruka’s jaw. “We have time tonight.”

“Do we? That’s very interesting.” Iruka tries to keep things light. Kakashi isn’t skittish, but he gets embarrassed when Iruka slips into dirty talk. It’s difficult sometimes, though. With Kakashi’s lips moving to his neck and his hips moving with Iruka’s hand, Iruka can’t help but say, “You’re so big. I can’t think sometimes; all I want to do is go down on you until all you can do is say my name.”

He knows he’s gone too far too fast when Kakashi slips into the water low enough to reach his face.

A warning chirp is sharp in the bones of his ears, accompanying the twinge in Iruka’s back as he bends with Kakashi, and he has to let go quickly.

Kakashi twists to look at him. “Are you-”

“I’m fine,” Iruka promises, taking Kakashi’s face in his hands. His back still hurts, but it’s already fading. “My implant has safeguards yours don’t, remember?”

“That’s why I’m asking.”

The tips of Kakashi’s ears are bright red. His face is wrinkled in concern. His Sharingan is glowing, memorizing Iruka’s face.

He’s the cutest tragedy Iruka knows.

Iruka doesn’t kiss him even though he wants to. He can feel the tension that’s crept back into Kakashi’s body and knows Kakashi needs to be reassured before he’ll let himself be kissed again.

Bumping their foreheads together gently, Iruka thinks about the man whose hands are braced on Iruka’s thighs. There’s a world of fear that lives just below Kakashi’s skin. He doesn’t forget that the people he loves are mortal.

Iruka is one of those people; his mortality hovers just out of sight, ready to rush into Kakashi’s mind at any sign that his time here is ending. The implant only makes the fact of his mortality rush back to Kakashi faster.

He runs a damp hand over Kakashi’s head. It’s meant to soothe Kakashi, but Iruka enjoys playing with Kakashi’s tuft of hair for its own sake. “It was just a warning to be careful. I’m not in a hurry to find out what it’s like to dislodge a spinal implant.”

Getting cleared to have sex with Kakashi had been an exercise in awkwardness. Shizune hadn’t known for sure because she wasn’t familiar with the type of implant he has, so she’d had to get Tsunade.

He’s never going to forget the rising horror of watching the Fifth Hokage breeze into the exam room and briskly announce, “So you’re the one the kid has been pining after. Thanks for finally taking his mountain of hints.”

She hadn’t made much of an effort to be delicate when she cleared him. “Congratulations, Iruka. Your years of abstinence can officially end. There are just a few restrictions, mostly on positions, but anything that involves your neck is dangerous. I’ve even got a pamphlet for you…”

Iruka can’t prove it, but he’s positive she went into as much detail as she had because she’d known Kakashi would want to know every detail she’d given him and relaying it all would make him squirm.

Retribution for an observation about the number of women who’ve left the hokage’s residence in the early morning, Iruka suspects. Unless Kakashi said something else when he was pining and tetchy from it.

Neither of them had been in the mood for much after reading through the pamphlet and its dire warnings, but Iruka had been happy to lie on Kakashi’s bed and nap while Kakashi cuddled up behind him.

Usually Kakashi likes to be the little spoon. He can see danger better without Iruka’s head in the way, and he relaxes more with Iruka’s body protecting his back.

In the tub, Kakashi quietly asks, “Do you ever resent it?”

“Having the implant? Or being alive only because Naruto’s grief would have endangered the village?” Kakashi nods, allowing both interpretations, and Iruka kisses his temple. “Rarely.”

“That’s all?”

Iruka reaches for Kakashi’s modified hand and lifts it out of the water. “Do you resent yours?”

Kakashi twines their fingers together. “No.”

Brushing his thumb over Kakashi’s cheek, Iruka says, “I like being alive. If I’d died, I wouldn’t have seen Naruto grow up strong. I wouldn’t have seen him become cherished by his next teacher and loved by the friends he made. I wouldn’t have been there when the village accepted him.”

“So you’re happy you were kept alive because you love Naruto?”

“Partly. But I like watching the seasons change, too. I like eating good food and taking hot baths. If I’d died in the forest, I wouldn’t have gotten to know you, and I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you. I wouldn’t have known what it’s like to be loved by you.” Kakashi‘s face twists like that’s a bad thing, and Iruka uses their joined hands to knock on his chest, bringing Kakashi’s attention back to Iruka. “Sometimes, I do resent not being able to choose. I would have chosen to live, but it should have been my choice.”

Kakashi lets out a slow breath, and when Iruka eases him back into the position they were in earlier, he doesn’t resist.

Once he’s settled, Iruka kisses his temple again. Shinobi don’t often swap stories about their scars. It’s understood that the same silence applies to implants.

Things are different with them.

“You got your first when you joined ANBU, didn’t you?”

Kakashi nods. “It wasn’t that bad, but they’ve come a long way.” He taps his left palm with his right hand. “This one was healed and ready to use in five days last time.”

“A very long way,” Iruka agrees. “It took a month and a half before I was allowed to lift my own shoes.”

“Yours is more delicate.” Their hands are still joined; Kakashi squeezes Iruka’s. “Your spinal cord was almost severed.”

Stroking Kakashi’s side, Iruka nods. “Last week when I went in for monthly check up, Tsunade mentioned they’ve got a new version. I’d have more flexibility with it, and I wouldn’t feel it as much. Did she talk to you about it?”

“She didn’t.”

That doesn’t come as a surprise. As much schadenfreude as Tsunade has gotten from passing along torment to Kakashi through Iruka over the course of their relationship, she’d spoken to Iruka alone, not to Kakashi.

“She does do a good job of keeping her patients’ choices confidential.”

Kakashi nods. “She does.”

He falls silent for a long moment, and Iruka feels him thinking. He knows what question Kakashi is wrestling with the desire to ask, and he can be patient while Kakashi convinces himself he’s someone who can ask it.

While Kakashi thinks, Iruka kisses his jaw and puts his arms around Kakashi more firmly.

Shinobi don’t like to be held down. It’s unsafe. 

Kakashi hums and leans harder into Iruka. It isn’t being held down if you know what’s holding you isn’t a restraint. It isn’t dangerous if you ask to be held.

They owe some of Kakashi’s comfort with this to Naruto, a fact they will never share with him. His tendency to barge into Iruka’s apartment had led him to burst into Iruka’s room unannounced in the middle of the afternoon. Kakashi, who had been lying happily in Iruka’s arms, had sprung to his feet unhindered, and Naruto had found himself trapped against the wall.

“How many times have I told you it’s a bad idea to throw other people’s doors open?” Iruka had asked with a sigh.

Naruto had made a very Naruto face and whined, “This is my home, too, you know.”

Stepping back, Kakashi had rubbed his face, then returned to bed. “Not Iruka’s room. You have your own room; I’ve seen it. Iruka didn’t even get rid of your bed.”

Without another word, he’d pulled Iruka’s arm back over his waist, closed both eyes, and pointedly ignored Naruto’s weak argument that he shouldn’t have to see his teachers cuddling.

Naruto has a nice apartment of his own, but he still calls Iruka’s little apartment home and drops by just to see Iruka. He’s just more careful now.

When Naruto moved out, Iruka had thought he’d feel lonely again, and he had for a while.

Now that he’s invited to, Kakashi either comes by and makes himself at home or takes Iruka out more often than not. It’s hard to be lonely with Kakashi. Quiet though he is, he fills up the space around him.

Some of Kakashi’s laziness isn’t an act. When he doesn’t have things to do, he curls up with his head on Iruka’s lap and naps. Their dates often involve sitting somewhere or lying on one of Kakashi’s blankets, doing nothing but being close.

Feeling fond, Iruka presses their cheeks together.

Even with Kakashi’s eye closed, the red glow of his Sharingan shines through his delicate eyelid.

Iruka rarely notices that as something unusual. He only notices now because he’s watching for a sign that Kakashi is ready to ask.

The water is still warm, though, and Kakashi likes to take his time. Iruka is beginning to nod off by the time Kakashi asks, “Do you want the new one?”

Blinking himself awake, Iruka shakes his head. “No. I can move well enough, and the implant I have now is still working fine. If I’d thought it would be worth the risk, I would have brought it up earlier.”

He feels Kakashi relax.

“We’ve lived very different lives, haven’t we, Iruka?”

“Very different,” Iruka agrees. “We fit together, though, don’t we?”

“We do.” Kakashi reaches back and up, squirming until he can lay his free arm around Iruka’s neck.“Would you be angry if I told you I’m glad you aren’t getting the new implant?”

Iruka hums in thought. “Why are you glad?”

“It’s your spine,” Kakashi says, expression intense. “They could try to improve your life and kill you instead. You’re happy. The implant is working. There’s nothing to fix about any of that.”

Iruka smiles to himself as he finally tilts his head for the kiss he’s been wanting.

Kakashi kisses him hard, and Iruka keeps kissing him until Kakashi can kiss him gently.

“You still aren’t used to being the one in the waiting room, are you?” Iruka asks, eyes still closed.

“I don’t want to outlive you.”

Iruka knows not to make promises he can’t keep. Their world is uncertain.

He doesn’t want to outlive Kakashi, even if Kakashi has outlived too many people already.

“Keep pushing vegetables on me and we’ll see,” he says instead.

Kakashi leans in for another kiss Iruka is happy to give him.

“How’s your knee?” Iruka asks, shifting so he can lay his head on Kakashi’s arm. “I’ve been hearing it whirr at night.”

“It’s wearing out. I pushed it too hard during the war, and now I’m paying for it.” Kakashi releases Iruka’s hand to brush Iruka’s cheek. “I’m sorry it’s keeping you up.”

“It isn’t. At this point, it’s a little too quiet to sleep when you aren’t here. If I didn’t know it hurts, I’d say let it.”

Kakashi shakes his head, but he’s smiling. “I found the one man who’s soothed by malfunctioning implants. Well, you’ll have the noise for a little while longer. My ribs need to be replaced first. I’m really not looking forward to another extended stay with Tsunade in the hospital.”

Tsunade can’t be looking forward to it either.

“Do you have to stay in the hospital?” Iruka asks, finally able to bring up a thought he’s been turning over in his head.

Kakashi tilts his head, considering. “I’m not sure. Tsunade's always so worried I’ll do too much and mess up her hard work, so she’s never let me out. Why?”

Irish pets Kakashi’s waist, weighing whether he can ask his own question. “I’ve saved up vacation days,” he says, gathering his courage. “If I dip into my personal days, I could stay with you until you’re ready to go back to work. I know you like your space, but if you wanted me to keep you company, I’d like to.”

He shifts his hand from Kakashi’s waist to his ribs, absently tracing the thin scars from the last time Kakashi had to have his implants changed.

“You want to use up your vacation days babysitting me?” Kakashi asks.

“No, I want to spend my vacation days with you,” Iruka corrects. “We can’t go on the usual type of vacation outside the village. Why not make your recovery into our own kind of vacation?”

Kakashi touches Iruka’s chest. “You’re responsible, and you push back against me. If Tsunade can be convinced to discharge me, it would be into your care.” He brushes his fingers down Iruka’s chest to his belly, mimicking the teasing Iruka was doing to him earlier. “Besides, I don’t need that much space.”

Kakashi hums, thinking to himself instead of out loud, and Iruka kisses the rise of Kakashi’s bicep.

“Hey, Iruka?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we go to bed now?” Kakashi gives him a pained look. “I’ve been hard for so long I think I’m going to pass out.”

Iruka splutters a laugh.

“Why are you laughing? It’s mostly your fault for being hard, too. I could feel it before I moved,” Kakashi points out tartly.

“Come on, then,” Iruka says, sitting up. “A quick rinse, and we’ll go.”

* * *

It isn’t a quick rinse.

They get waylaid in the shower. Iruka has difficulty keeping his hands to himself, and Kakashi is even worse. He keeps pulling Iruka back against his chest and kissing Iruka’s neck.

“It’s like you don’t actually want to go,” Iruka points out at one point, when Kakashi’s back is pressed securely against the wall and his hands are on Iruka’s shoulders.

Kakashi’s head drops back against the wall. _“I_ don’t want to go? _You’re_ the one jerking _me_ off.”

“And you’re the one who started it. What else am I going to do when you’re telling me how much you’ve missed me and rubbing up on me? You didn’t think you were the only one counting the days, did you?”

Kakashi doesn’t answer, but he does squeeze Iruka’s shoulder too tightly with his modified hand.

* * *

Kakashi comes like that, with his back to the shower wall and his legs so unsteady Iruka has to hold him up.

“Mean,” he pants. “I was going to do this to you when we got to my room.”

Iruka kisses his forehead. “You really overestimated my self-control.”

“And underestimated how much you want me?” Kakashi asks, looking up at Iruka hopefully.

“Two misjudgments in one day,” Iruka says with a nod, backing away as Kakashi pushes off the wall and stands on his own now that his legs have steadied. “Are you feeling okay?”

“No, but I will be soon.”

He doesn’t let Iruka point out how sinister that line sounds. He hefts Iruka up and grins smugly when Iruka latches onto him with a yelp.

“Three centimeters,” Iruka reminds him sharply as Kakashi adjusts his grip on Iruka’s thighs. “You’re taller than I am by one inch.”

“What a critical inch, though.” Kakashi steps out of the shower onto the rug. He’s standing tall for once just to be an ass. “Can you grab some towels?”

Sighing, Iruka reaches behind himself with one hand and grabs two towels without looking.

Kakashi grins at him, glowing with happiness, and Iruka can’t be annoyed when Kakashi is looking at him like that. He leans forward so he can wrap his arms around Kakashi’s neck.

He’s almost flat against Kakashi’s chest; he can’t help but roll his hips.

Kakashi fumbles with the door.

“That was intentional,” he accuses.

“It was.” Iruka kisses Kakashi’s neck. “Don’t be so smug just because I’ve been explicitly ordered not to try to carry you.”

“I don’t know. I think I’d like it if you carried me.”

“Don’t tempt me or I’ll change my mind and get that implant just to prove you wrong. We’ll see who’s laughing when you’re the one dangling in the air.”

Kakashi chuckles, and they get waylaid in the hallway every time he stops so he can kiss Iruka.

* * *

Kakashi can’t kneel when his knee is this close to giving out, but that bothers him more than it bothers Iruka.

Sitting up in bed, his back to the headboard and Kakashi lying between his knees, Iruka isn’t bothered by anything.

“I don’t know why you think I’d dislike getting to see your ass and your face at the same time,” he says, almost not sounding breathless. “You're nice to look at.”

Kakashi’s face goes red, but he doesn’t pull off to argue.

Iruka touches the rise of Kakashi's cheek by his eye. It’s almost frustrating how handsome Kakashi is. Even the cute beauty mark by his chin doesn’t make his face less striking. Iruka has a private theory that Kakashi keeps his face so well-covered because he didn’t want to be seen as cute when he was younger and is so pleased that he can annoy people by perpetually wearing a mask that he just doesn’t stop.

Iruka moves his hand to the mark, lightly pressing one finger to it.

Kakashi pauses mid-bob to look at him curiously.

Face heating, Iruka shrugs. He doesn’t know what he’s doing either. He’s just touching Kakashi because he can.

Kakashi’s expression softens, and he reaches forward with one hand, palm up. Iruka takes it and twines their fingers together.

There’s nothing superhuman about his strength, but when Kakashi swallows around him, Iruka squeezes his hand so hard it hurts.

* * *

Kakashi looks up at him with heavy-lidded eyes.

“It isn’t fair that you know how good you look,” Iruka says. Watching Kakashi is too much; in their time apart, he’d forgotten how intense everything with Kakashi is- even when they’re having sex, his Sharingan is remembering and saving.

He’s memorizing Iruka, noting every detail of what makes Iruka likes so much he has to struggle to stay still.

Iruka shifts under Kakashi’s arms where they’re pinning Iruka’s hips to the bed, and Kakashi looks up at him, mouth stretched around Iruka's cock, like he’s never done anything better.

Iruka closes his eyes tight.

After a moment, Kakashi pulls back and off. His voice is rough as he says, “Don’t look away.”

Iruka takes a long, steadying breath, then opens his eyes.

“Does this bother you?” Kakashi asks quietly, gesturing at his Sharingan. “I can close it if you want. There’s an eyepatch, too.”

Iruka shakes his head. Kakashi has offered before, more than once. Iruka tries not to think about the other people preserved in Kakashi’s memory. He tries not to think about Kakashi learning lessons with more than his Sharingan. “It’s not that.”

“Then what?”

He thinks he’s doing something wrong. Iruka knows that without asking. They don’t have time to do this often enough for Kakashi to know he isn’t doing anything wrong. Iruka is just in love with him.

“I’m trying not to embarrass myself,” Iruka says, which is close enough to the truth to soothe Kakashi and far enough from it to protect Iruka. “You’re keeping your Sharingan open. That means you’re choosing to remember all of this, doesn’t it?”

Kakashi nods. “Is that bad?”

“No!” Clearing his throat, Iruka tries to ignore the feeling of his face burning. “No, it’s just intense. It’s been a while since I was with someone at all, and I want you more than I wanted them.”

“So it’s okay?” Kakashi asks slowly. “I can keep remembering?”

Swallowing hard, Iruka nods. “Yeah. If you want to remember, I’d like that.”

Kakashi’s face lights up as he smiles. “Then I’ll remember.” He kisses Iruka’s belly. “I want to keep as much of you as I can.”

His eyes skitter away, and Iruka bites his cheek.

His face burns even hotter as he says. “Then you should always keep both eyes open.”

“Thank you,” Kakashi says quietly. He kisses the rise of Iruka’ hip.

There’s a world of sorrow in those two words.

Kakashi hadn’t had many relationships before he asked Iruka out, and Iruka isn’t foolish enough to think the reasons for that won’t keep spilling over into their lives.

“Iruka, can I go back to what I was doing?”

Rather than try to talk, Iruka nods quickly.

“You don’t have a Sharingan, but I want you to remember this, too,” Kakashi says as he shifts back into place. “So don’t look away, okay?”

He doesn’t move until Iruka promises not to look away.

* * *

Iruka doesn’t look away.

He bites his cheek and digs his fingers into the towel, trying to last at least a little longer. He breathes deep and hard and tries to think of things that aren’t Kakashi looking up at him hotly or Kakashi twisting onto his side so he can take himself in hand.

* * *

There’s a breakdown in communication. That has to be it.

Iruka isn’t ready to live in a world where Kakashi actively wants Iruka to come on his face.

An accident is one thing. It happens. Iruka meant to move left; Kakashi wanted him to go to the right. Neither happened, and that’s all there is to it.

The look on Kakashi’s face says that isn’t what this is.

* * *

Iruka cleans Kakashi up with a towel, firmly ignoring the disappointment on Kakashi’s face. He’s gentle and tries to keep his hands steady as he wipes up the delicate skin around Kakashi’s eyes.

He can’t stop thinking about the accident that wasn’t an accident.

“Too much?” Kakashi asks. He’s sitting up, knees bent, and looking pleased with himself.

Iruka tosses the dirty towel over the edge of the bed and says, as steadily as he can, “I really want to fuck you.”

* * *

Kakashi makes a soft noise every time Iruka moves his fingers. On his back with his legs open and a blush running from his face down his chest, he looks better than Iruka remembered. He’s needier, too. He pushes toward Iruka’s hand, chasing the feeling, and Iruka lets him, too caught up in seeing Kakashi like this to care that before Kakashi came back, Iruka had been planning to make him use some of his self-control to keep himself still.

“You look so good,” Iruka says without thinking.

Kakashi digs his fingers into the clean towel. The blush deepens. “You’re doing that purpose.”

“Should I lie and say you don’t?” Iruka kisses the inside of Kakashi’s thigh. “I’m not a very good liar, Kakashi. You’ve said so yourself.”

The blush deepens more, and Kakashi’s belly flexes as he rolls his hips even harder.

He was probably ready a while ago, but Iruka can’t make himself stop. Kakashi loves this. Iruka has spent most of the nights they’ve had together making Kakashi come like this without going further.

Up close, Iruka can hear the low whirring Kakashi’s knee makes.

If he lays his palms on Kakashi’s hips and concentrates, he’ll feel the implants clicking as Kakashi tries in earnest to come like this.

There’s no outward sign other than a thin scar, but Iruka knows one of Kakashi’s femurs is metal, as is the kneecap that replaced one that shattered.

It’s the same with one of Kakashi’s lungs.

In front of his heart is a metal plate.

When Iruka kisses the knee that’s reaching the end of its time, he doesn’t notice the feeling of its soft buzzing as much as he notices Kakashi’s sharp gaze on his face.

“It’s warmer than usual,” Iruka tells him. “We should ice it later.”

Kakashi nods stiffly, and Iruka bends back down to kiss the tip of his cock. “I like that you’re alive.”

“That’s good to know,” Kakashi pants.

Iruka lifts his head a little. “I’m telling you to try to trust me a little. I’d be happy here if you didn’t have any implants, and I’d be happy if your whole body were metal.”

“My whole body?” Kakashi asks, his eyes drifting pointedly between his legs.

“Terrible,” Iruka tells him. "That was a terrible joke."

He gets a small smile, though, which disappears when he takes Kakashi’s cock in his mouth.

* * *

He doesn’t let Kakashi come like that. He wants to, but he also wants Kakashi to come while Iruka fucks him, and Iruka won’t last long enough for that if he lets Kakashi come like this.

* * *

Finding a position that doesn’t put weight on Kakashi’s knee is difficult. Left to his own, Kakashi would ignore it.

“I know you’d rather face me,” Iruka says as Kakashi rolls onto his belly. “I’d prefer that, too, but we can do that when you’ve got a new knee.”

“I miss having my own knees,” Kakashi says quietly.

Rather than try to answer, Iruka kisses Kakashi’s shoulder. 

He kisses the other shoulder, too. 

The bottle of lube is on the bed, and Iruka kisses the nape of Kakashi’s neck before he shifts back down the bed.

* * *

Kakashi’s hands dig into the bed above his head as he pants and moves his hips against the mattress.

Iruka lays a hand over one of them. The other has to stay where it is, holding Kakashi’s hip.

“Okay?” Iruka asks. He’s breathing just as hard as Kakashi is.

Kakashi groans but nods his head.

Iruka lets his head drop to Kakashi’s back. The muscle there shifts as he fucks Kakashi and Kakashi arches his back.

Kakashi makes soft noises every time Iruka pushes into him. He isn’t noisy in bed; Iruka has to try to keep his own breathing quiet so he can hear the few sounds Kakashi does make.

There’s one sound in particular he listens for. More than “please”. More than any of Kakashi’s mumbled encouragements. More than the low moan Kakashi makes when he comes.

More than the hitch in Kakashi’s breath when Iruka holds him tighter and fucks him harder.

He doesn’t tell Kakashi to say it. He could. He could ask or demand to hear it, and Kakashi wouldn’t hold back.

Iruka doesn’t say anything because he wants it to come from Kakashi when he’s ready to say it.

He’s kissing the side of Kakashi’s neck and listening to him gasp when it comes.

“Iruka,” Kakashi groans. “Iruka.”

“It’s me,” Iruka promises.

Kakashi nods, and when he looks at Iruka, it’s with the Sharingan. “Stay?”

Iruka squeezes Kakashi tighter. “As long as you want me, I’ll stay.”

“Then don’t leave anymore.”

It’s the books Kakashi is so fond of that make him say things like that. His knowledge of romance comes from the mind of someone who isn’t writing about love.

Even knowing Kakashi is just aping lines he read because no one has cared to call him on it, Iruka’s heart stutters when he hears them.

It stutters again when Kakashi comes.

“Stay,” Kakashi says quietly, the sound almost lost as he gasps for breath. Even quieter, “Love me while you‘re here.”

Iruka lays his forehead on Kakashi’s shoulder. “I'll love you longer than that."

* * *

“Where should I-”

“Like this,” Kakashi says, his hand clenched around the one Iruka has on his hip. “Just like this.”

Iruka swallows hard, and when he comes, he doesn’t pull out.

* * *

Tossing the dirty washcloth over the side of the bed with the towel, Iruka collapses on top of Kakashi.

Kakashi’s heartbeat has a tinny quality from the metal plate that protects it. The metal changes how it sounds, but his heart beats just as strong.

Iruka likes to press his ear to Kakashi’s chest and just listen.

“Checking to see if I still have a heart?” Kakashi asks wryly.

Iruka doesn’t have the energy to protest sufficiently. The best he can manage is an unhappy noise.

“Don’t be offended," Kakashi rebukes. "You’re just looking in the wrong place. I gave it to you, didn’t I?”

Iruka’s chest clenches. “Kakashi.”

“It’s too heavy for me to carry on my own. I hope it isn't a burden for you.”

He says that with the certainty that it is burden.

Summoning up the energy to protest- this is a fear he can address- Iruka clumsily reaches for Kakashi’s chin and turns it in his direction. He looks directly into Kakashi’s face. “I want you to remember what I’m about to say.”

Kakashi opens his eye, and in the growing darkness, the Sharingan glows ominously.

Shinobi are tools, misused and cast aside as fate dictates.

How much happier would Kakashi be if he'd been allowed to keep the eye that merely couldn't see? Iruka's bedroom would be a happier place without the reminder of Kakashi's impending blindness threatening Kakashi with inescapable pain and guilt.

“It’s very heavy,” Iruka tells him slowly, “but it isn’t a burden.” He releases Kakashi’s chin and taps his chest. “I understand that you can't carry it on your own, but I can. It's a gift from someone precious. You can’t take gifts back. This is my heart now.”

“You have room for two?” Kakashi asks lightly. “You’re very impressive.”

“Did you forget? We traded. You gave me yours, and I gave you mine. I can hear it when I put my head to your chest.” He lays his head down again and pretends to listen. “As I thought, that’s my heartbeat. I’m glad you’re keeping it safe.”

Kakashi’s chest rises sharply as he breathes in quickly. “Like you said, you can’t take back gifts, so you’re listening to my heart, aren’t you?”

Shifting up, Iruka looks down at him. “I guess I am.” He bends his neck for a kiss. “Wake me up before you leave, will you? I want as many memories of you as I can get.”

Kakashi nods, and even though Iruka closes his eyes, he knows Kakashi’s Sharingan stays open when they kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Content warnings: 1) Body modification for the purposes of fighting better and as medical necessity 2) Discussions of previous medical procedures- some were consensual and some were not, one of which was on a child who inherently can’t consent- and future consensual procedures
> 
> Context: 1) Kakashi's body has new/enhanced body parts to make him more effective in a fight, and Iruka has an implant that keeps him alive after getting hit in the spine with Mizuki's fuma shuriken. 2) Kakashi gets his first implant when he makes jounin, so he's still a child. Iruka's medical implant was given to him when he was unconscious. Kakashi requires new surgeries to replace worn implanted parts. Iruka has the option to get a new version of what he has.
> 
> This fic brought to you by my inability to come up with any kind of plot that satisfied my desire to add some sci-fi to Naruto's universe
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](https://asotin.tumblr.com) if you'd like to!


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